David Stopp - Osmosis
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THE PIG PIGEONS

Now one cold day in dark December...
Way back then, I still remember.
In the sky in one big crowd
These "flying things" all screeching loud.
Not one- not two- not three or four;
Like some giant creatures at your door-
One mass of hundreds-thousands-more,
From where they came we're not quite sure.
With grunting snouts,
And buzzing wings,
With wicked eyes,
And vicious stings.
Oh peaceful ones! Your dreams were broken,
Just as if the beast had woken.
Really I can't find a word.
These things that fly just like a bird,
But grunt like pigs and snort and growl;
They're neither bird nor beast nor fowl,
They look like pigeons, look like pigs,
Pig, pig, pig, pigeons, pig, pig, pigeons.

At 53 Morning Crescent,
Lives a boy so very pleasant.
Jeremy Jupiter is his name,
And this is how he came to fame.
Jeremy had just got up,
Brushed his teeth rinsed his cup.
The sky was blue, a sunny day;
When suddenly a cloud.
Said Hey!! Grr!
Jeremy looked up in fright,
"Where is the sun?
It's dark as night"!
He shivered as he looked above,
Put on his coat and scarf and gloves.
The cloud grew louder, nearer, darker
And made a noise like
Bzz bzz grr!

Jeremy Jupiter shut the door,

And made his way to the corner store,
And as he walked his step got quicker,
And as he walked the cloud grew thicker.
"Look out! Look out! Mr Kyte!
There is a most unpleasant sight.
"Mr. Kyte whipped off his hat;
and just in time for some giant...
SPLATT!!
"No ! No! a voice said
No! don't leave!
We come in peace
Our spell to weave".
And then with one enormous splatt-
He made a mess and that was that.
"Oh how confusing, unamusing
What a mess you'll pay for this",
Said Jeremy and Mr Kyte
"Name yourself you nasty sight."

My name is Dadscar," said the beast,
And we have come to have a feast,
And when we go we'll soon be back,
To rule this land, Watch out now."
SPLATT!!
They scoffed the goods there in the shop,
While Mr Kyte phoned for the cops,
But long before the law arrived,
They disappeared into the sky.
Really I can't find a word,
These things that fly just like a bird,
But grunt like pigs and snort and growl
They're neither bird nor beast nor fowl
They look like pigeons, look like pigs,
Pig, Pig, Pigeons
Pig, Pig, Pigeons.
In Leicester and Trafalgar Square,
The pigeons feed without a care,
On Hampstead Heath, in Regents Park,
Across the land from dawn to dark.

"Hello, Hello" said P C Smith,
As Jeremy gave him the griff,
"Hmm sounds most odd I must confess
They came "in peace ", yet what a mess,
They look like pigeons?, look like pigs?,
They stole the food but not the cigs?."
"They did no harm to you and yet
they made such noise, let's call a vet.
Let's call the press and yes.. no wait-
Let's work this out. now what's the date?"

"We must not fret," said king Dadscar
"We're sick of swill and so this far,
We've learned to fly and talk a bit
And Farmer Brown may soon see fit

To let us eat some proper food
And then we shan't be quite so rude".

Jeremy Jupiter told the vet
Mr Monk about the upset
In the shop that awful day
When Dadscar and his mob went haywire.

In Leicester and Trafalgar Square,
When there is no one anywhere,
On Hampstead Heath and Regents park,
Across the land long after dark,
Pig, pigeons fly,
Yes pigs that fly,
But don't look up into the sky.
They're wicked things and that's a fact
They're coming back now - look out -
SPLATT!!

Jeremy fell out of bed
Put on his slippers, rubbed his head
He stretched and yawned
And wondered why
He'd eaten all those hot mince pies,
And saveloys and mushy peas
Ice-cream and birthday cake
And CHEESE
His tummy ached, his head was sore
"Oh what a rotten dream for sure
Next time I'll eat with much more care
Not like those things in that nightmare"
. Outside a bird sat on the sill,
And there it sat and tapped its bill.
It fluttered round and winked an eye
And disappeared into the sky...
Just like a pigeon...
Like a ...... pig pig pigeon?

Pig Pigeons (c) David Stopp